So what the Sam Hell is a Brain Cloud?
The term “Brain Cloud” was brought to my attention by my close friend Casey. It is a fictional aliment. It is a state of mind. It is my affliction and my illness. (It is also from the movie Joe Vs. the Valcano) I was diagnosed with panic attacks in 1998. Since then I have been on and off medication. I’m not on Prozac, but St. John’s Wart doesn’t to the trick either. I always think I am dying. Leg pains turn into blood clots, unexplained bruises are cancer, and any sort of chest pain is sure to become my heart’s demise. The worst part is I’m scared shitless of going to the doctor. One of my shrinks once said I was like a window washer afraid of heights. My mind is always on overdrive, my adrenaline levels spike at awkward times, and the hot flashes….. OMG the hot flashes.
I don’t remember life before this problem. I don’t remember waking up worry free. Since the day I was diagnosed things have gotten better and then worse. I tend to go off my meds when I feel okay. Then the cycle starts all over again. Something just doesn’t feel right and I assume the worst. I can joke about it because that’s how I deal with it, but lately things have been getting worse.
I have recently started going to a support group. (Update: I only went once and haven’t been back since.) One on one therapy simply wasn’t for me. Then again, maybe my therapists were just never attractive enough to maintain my attention. I need to be around those that understand. My family and friends, though kind and supportive, don’t have the point of view like others who deal with this on a daily basis would.
A brain cloud is a state of mind. Sometimes they leave just as quickly as they arrive. Sometimes my mind won’t let me stop thinking about dying for weeks or months. I’m not sure if there’s a cure, but I know I want to start living life again. Until then I simply sit on the sidelines. We all have our demons, mine just happens to be my own mind. Ain’t that a bitch!
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I have my own brain cloud. Two years ago, I was diagosed with a bipolar mental disorder. Just great-ups and downs-get me off this roller coaster, now.
I’m on meds, too. I’ve gone off them when I’ve felt better only to learn the hard way that I really can’t function no matter how much I wish I could. That sucks. I was in a support group for bipolar people, but hearing the same stuff drove me crazy so I stopped going. I’m in another support group with a difference-there are people with other stuff which is refreashing.
I depression cloud is always close by which is a drag. Lately, I’m having a difficult time with personal stuff, so there’s alot of time I just want to veg in bed or close to bed for two days or so. I can read, but it’s hit or miss if anything gets through during this time of struggle.
Cathy, thank you for reading. It’s always good to know I am not alone.
Really do not remember how I made it to this site. I have episodes much like your brain clouds. Ihave always associated them todepression fueled by guilt and or fear of not being able to control my surroundings. That seems to be important to me for some reason. But I write poetry, and these writings cure the episodes., as soon as the ink hits the parchment. It’s weird, but tis how it happens. Here is some words you may have felt.
Holding back the words that scream in my head,
Staring face to face with my past.
The if only and all the should haves,
All of the hopes and dreams that lie dead,
Common ground is all I ever asked for.
Never more than what was truly deserved
Letting love go by for the sake of the other.
Is there naught, for me in store?
They always seemed to have tormented souls.
Even more so than the one I carried around.
As if they were in competition for the prize of woe.
Pointing out the insignificances of life,
And how their futures swayed to and fro.
So many lives and far too many sad endings,
We must encounter along our way
Then comes death, and it all adds up.
I wanted to reach my daughter – grown up. I first thought of your poetry which nailed me right on. Could I humbly suggest one spot on your blog where we could readily go for your poems?
I will work on that Jan. I have so much out there it would be nice to have it all in one place. Thank you for the suggestion.