So here we are again, me and the brain clouds. I do believe this is something though. Something more than the usual, which is why I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. The pain in my back is rather serious and I can’t live with this kind of pain. It’s always the pain that gets me to the doctors. Anything else I live with.

So as of this moment I’m pretty sure I’m dying. It’s so wonderful living life thinking your impending doom is right around the corner. This time I just need to put on my big girl panties and get whatever this is taken care of. Auto pilot here I come.

This was the second Christmas without my Dad. I don’t have much to say on the matter. I wonder sometimes why I don’t feel much of anything when it comes to all the people in my life I have lost. Too afraid to mention it to anyone I simply prod on assuming that one day I’ll collapse into a puddle of tears. What I’m even more afraid of, which is most likely closer to the truth, is that I’ll continue to not feel much of anything at all. I make myself sick over it sometimes. Screaming at myself inside and telling myself how selfish it is not to have ever grieved. It seems there isn’t anything I’m passionate about as of late. Death just fits in it’s place next to work, waking up, and the occasional night out.

Driving home from my brother’s last night I played a song. A song that reminds me of a lot of things and people. A song that normally inspires me or at least gets me the slightest of teary eyed. Nada! Nothing more than words sung by a beautiful voice. At this point all I can envy is the breathtaking void that seems to have made it’s way inside of me. And so I push people away, stay strictly in my chosen comfort zone, and dare not answer the phone.

Today is a day just like all the others. Not even going back to therapy amusing me at the moment.

I wonder how many stars I would have in my pockets
How many dreams would now be memories
How much of my heart would still be mine

I live with the failure
Attempting to surpress the pain
The dark rooms without your light

I hold onto the memories
So tight that nothing else remains
You are more me than I could ever be

I thought about picking up the phone today
Mending what I broke
Recovering what was lost

But my heart still isn’t through punishing me
My lessons are still unlearned
Lined up like bullets to keep me from change

The vice of self loathing keeps me from love
The delusion of you keeps me from believing
That I’ll ever find anything good in me

I can’t help but wonder if you still wonder too
Wonder what it would feel like to still be us
Wonder if it would still feel right to put your hand in mine

Destiny is written
I’ve accepted being alone
I’ll just never get used to this life without you

Asholes from the Detroit 3 fly to DC in private jets. This bitch is going to jam out some tunes in her Chevy Blazer and pretend everything is going to be okay.

My brother called me yesterday. “Do you think Mom can handle another death?” He said. My reply was “Who now?” Death is something one should never grow accustom to. It’s why I could never work in a hospital or nursing home. I never wanted to become numb to the loss of human life. But I have. I don’t feel much of anything. When my phone rings I assume someone died or someone is calling to make plans. There seems to be no in between any longer.

All of this is coming from a woman who is terrified of death. I woman who thinks she is dying of some illness on a daily basis. So much so that when I close my eyes I never really expect to wake up in the morning. I can count my family on my hands now. It makes dying young sound appealing. Because if I grow old there won’t be anyone left to take care of me. I will become one of those forgotten people that end up wasting away in a nursing home.

With all of this said I can only hope that there is a heaven. After all, I have more family there now then I do on Earth.

I wish I had the hands
The hands that could heal all that is broken inside of you
From a distance
I can only watch
Watch as you lose your soul and fade away

How many times can we bow down
Bow down to constraint
Before we begin to forget who we are
What makes our heart beat
And how our dreams used to keep us alive

When you let go I gave up on medicine
I refused to believe that the heart can be mended
But even without you here
I know you’re still sick
Sick of a life that you can never call yours

We weren’t finished
There was still more of you and I
More secrets
More tears
More of everything that no one else could give us

I have forgiven myself this guilt
The burden of not being able to love you
The test of how much I mean to you
I have given up on ever finding you again
I refuse to look

But I will never forgive myself for not being able to fix you
I find it hard to live while broken
Because it was you that put me back together
It was you that helped me define who I am
Forever

It will always be you