Dear Dad,

I finally talked Mom into putting the dogs down. Grant and James took them to the humane society yesterday and had it done. Khayman was starting  to lose a lot of weight, and Coco was ready too according to the vet. Mom cried, and I found an odd sort of new found comfort in making the hard decisions. I can’t tell you how many times Mom’s said, “If you’re Dad was here he’d know exactly what to do.” The worst part about it is that it’s just not you that’s gone. After you we lost so many. Mom doesn’t have anyone left to make hard decisions for her, so I do my best to help.

Today Mom is waiting to hear from her best friend in regards to some test results. I’ve been praying for the best because I honestly don’t think Mom has it in her to fight another battle. Plus she’s going in for surgery herself very soon. Which I’m sure will highlight my lack of caretaking skills.

Mom has mentioned on more than one occasion how much I’m like you. She said she sees you in me in the things I do and say. It makes her happy and sad all at the same time. I sit on the front porch alone a lot. It’s where you and I spent so much time talking about life and your cancer. I can almost see you sitting in the chair next to me. Leaning back in those gray shorts and some shirt with a crazy print. It was your safe space and has now become mine.

This Summer’s projects are pretty serious. Mom’s adding a paved patio behind the sun room. She wanted to sit outside and enjoy a margarita after her surgery. Grant and I tried our best to talk her into a pool. She’s also getting the front and backyard landscaped and that white vinyl fencing you both always wanted. She has proven herself horrible at making decisions in regards to these projects. It got to the point where I actually had to draw pictures to show her how things would look. I have the vision, like you did, but Mom and I just don’t have the same taste. Today we are also getting an estimate on new aluminum siding and gutters. The person on the phone asked for your name and if you’d be present. It never gets easy to hear Mom say you’ve passed away.

I’m hoping for a good Summer. We rented an amazing cottage right on a lake in August. Everyone is coming up at some point or another. The rental comes with a pontoon boat so I’m sure I’ll never be on land. It will be nice to get away. Nice to let things that are rooted here remain and go somewhere with different scenery. Sometimes it feels like every thing’s different, but for the most part it remains the same.

I miss our talks,

K

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