I need to write this now because I seem to forget. I think most of us do. We lost another member of my family today. My Aunt. In less then a year I have lost my Father, my Grandmother, Uncle, and now my Aunt. Each time someone dies I believe we go into a state of reflection. Death is so real. It becomes real when you watch your father take his last breath. Realer still when you touch your Grandmother’s lifeless hand or stand around your Aunt’s hospital bed and say a prayer holding hands with your family. Death makes you look at your life. It makes you analyze the little things, the big things, and those things that fall in between.

Death has mad me want to run. Death has made me want to live my life and follow my dreams. Life has made me see how important my family is to me and somewhere in between I’ve realized that the two don’t mix.

For so long now I have hid. I have hidden behind my weight, my jokes, and my incessant phobias.  I have hidden from love. Creating a fantasy that ended unlike I ever thought my fairy tale would. The fantasy was the easy part. It is the letting go that will kill me. I do not love myself. I am not sure how to heal myself. And every day that I walk out the front door I am waiting to be the next one to die.

The tables turn when you know more people who have died. You question your faith, you wonder if you’ll ever see them again, you can only hope you’ll end up in the same place. Were I to judge me I would fail myself in regards to life. I have not done all I could to make people happy. I have not pushed myself to my full potential. I have not shown those close to me what they truly mean to my heart. I fear almost everything and I have grown excellent at running away from most things.

I want to change, but I don’t know where to begin. I want to love again, but I don’t know how to love myself. I am selfish. It shows bright through these words. All I know with any certainty is that this is not the life that was meant for me. This is not the place I was meant to look at the stars from nor is it the time to give up on me.

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