It’s been two and a half months since my father’s death. For the first time I had the chance to really look at, and attempt to understand all the changes that have occurred. As soon as the funeral was over and the family and friends went back to their lives my mother decided to remodel ours. Things that “we always wanted to do” have gotten done. The house now has new windows, a new front door, and the front room is redone complete with crown moulding and a new plasma TV. I had to talk mom into the TV, but I did so knowing my dad would love it.
“I feel like he’s just away. Like he’s going to be home soon.” She spoke with the usual tears in her eyes.
I had nothing to say in return and that could be because I felt the same way. On the way home that day I was stopped at a red light at a corner about a mile from my home. I found myself starring at the gas station my dad always went to and the restaurant he and my mother ate at at least once a week. So many things that were, will never be again. Never in my life have I ever had to deal with such a certain finality.
In the blink of an eye I have had to raise the bar on the person I am. Working to self educate myself on finances, retirement plans, home ownership, and the like. My biggest fear is that I will live with my mom forever. In an odd turn of events that thought is also my greatest comfort. I do tire of people telling me what to do or how to feel. There are times, and this is one of them, when sometimes saying nothing is better than giving a personal opinion. From that though, I have learned more on when to talk and when to simply listen. Holding true to my conviction that so many people never learn how to truly listen and are just waiting for their turn to talk.
My life seems to be shedding it’s skin. I’m not sure yet as to what will emerge from underneath. The balancing of my mother’s and my welfare is top on the list. It’s hard though when I feel that she trusts nothing I say. I find her seeking out a “male opinion.” It could be all in my head, it could be because my dad made all the decisions, it is something that hurts just a little.
When everything is up in the air how does one stay grounded? I can’t help but wish that all of this was a dream and the plans I once had could still be the plans I have today. Funny thing is….no matter dream or reality I never seem to get any of those plans accomplished.
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