Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of my Father’s death. It was also the night I chose to tell my Mom about my current symptoms. These include lower back pain, a lump in my lower left back, muscle twitches before sleep, and I swear to God I am losing my hair.
So here we are again, me and the brain clouds. I do believe this is something though. Something more than the usual, which is why I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. The pain in my back is rather serious and I can’t live with this kind of pain. It’s always the pain that gets me to the doctors. Anything else I live with.
So as of this moment I’m pretty sure I’m dying. It’s so wonderful living life thinking your impending doom is right around the corner. This time I just need to put on my big girl panties and get whatever this is taken care of. Auto pilot here I come.
Ah, how I would love to share the thoughts in my head. The problem is that I don’t need anyone to call the police and or a mental institution on my ass. Instead I will share how elated I am to have gotten a ton of new toys for my SLR camera. I officially have about 2000 invested in it, which is not that hard to do. I have come to the conclusion that I like taking photos so much because of my bad memory. That may also be why I keep a blog. I can go back to 2006 or two months ago and read the happenings of my day as if it were the first I’ve heard of it. Sad really, but just a precursor of the Big A which will take all the memories away for good one day.
This was the second Christmas without my Dad. I don’t have much to say on the matter. I wonder sometimes why I don’t feel much of anything when it comes to all the people in my life I have lost. Too afraid to mention it to anyone I simply prod on assuming that one day I’ll collapse into a puddle of tears. What I’m even more afraid of, which is most likely closer to the truth, is that I’ll continue to not feel much of anything at all. I make myself sick over it sometimes. Screaming at myself inside and telling myself how selfish it is not to have ever grieved. It seems there isn’t anything I’m passionate about as of late. Death just fits in it’s place next to work, waking up, and the occasional night out.
Driving home from my brother’s last night I played a song. A song that reminds me of a lot of things and people. A song that normally inspires me or at least gets me the slightest of teary eyed. Nada! Nothing more than words sung by a beautiful voice. At this point all I can envy is the breathtaking void that seems to have made it’s way inside of me. And so I push people away, stay strictly in my chosen comfort zone, and dare not answer the phone.
Today is a day just like all the others. Not even going back to therapy amusing me at the moment.
Never being a fan of Christmas I’ve always ridiculed the holiday. Damning the man for the gift buying obligations and the hustle and bustle of running around before and on the holidays. Then came my little niece. She reminded me that Christmas, my hearts version at least, is for children. Watching her open gifts yesterday was the greatest gift ever. Her little fingers doing all they could to tear the wrapping paper away from her gifts was like watching the unwrapping Olympics. Her smile for each and every gift that she opened was priceless. Little does this little two year old know, but she has saved my Christmas spirit. She is and will always be my favorite person in the whole world.
As hard as it is to think about you
I can’t help but wonder
Who I’d be with you still by my side
I wonder how many stars I would have in my pockets
How many dreams would now be memories
How much of my heart would still be mine
I live with the failure
Attempting to surpress the pain
The dark rooms without your light
I hold onto the memories
So tight that nothing else remains
You are more me than I could ever be
I thought about picking up the phone today
Mending what I broke
Recovering what was lost
But my heart still isn’t through punishing me
My lessons are still unlearned
Lined up like bullets to keep me from change
The vice of self loathing keeps me from love
The delusion of you keeps me from believing
That I’ll ever find anything good in me
I can’t help but wonder if you still wonder too
Wonder what it would feel like to still be us
Wonder if it would still feel right to put your hand in mine
Destiny is written
I’ve accepted being alone
I’ll just never get used to this life without you
Green Light: (Feat. Andre 3000) John Legend
Sweetest Girl: Wyclef Jean feat. Akon & Lil’ Wayne
Right Now (Na Na Na): Akon
Live Your Life: T.I. ft Rihanna
Paper Plains: M.I.A.
Let it Rock: Kevin Rudolf ft. Lil’ Wayne
Helpless: buckcherry
Crazy Bitch: Buckcherry
Love Lockdown: Kanye West
If I Were A Boy: Beyonce
This Time: John Legend
Mr.Lonely: Akon
Dangerous: Akon ft. Kardinal Offishall
Hate That I Love You: Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Take A Bow: Rihanna
Disturbia: Rihanna
Asholes from the Detroit 3 fly to DC in private jets. This bitch is going to jam out some tunes in her Chevy Blazer and pretend everything is going to be okay.
Someone died again. I don’t feel anything anymore when it happens. 8 deaths in 22 months equals a death every 2.75 months. And I’m not talking about acquaintances. I am talking about my Father, both Grandmothers, an Uncle, an Aunt, two cousins, and a woman I once loved.
My brother called me yesterday. “Do you think Mom can handle another death?” He said. My reply was “Who now?” Death is something one should never grow accustom to. It’s why I could never work in a hospital or nursing home. I never wanted to become numb to the loss of human life. But I have. I don’t feel much of anything. When my phone rings I assume someone died or someone is calling to make plans. There seems to be no in between any longer.
All of this is coming from a woman who is terrified of death. I woman who thinks she is dying of some illness on a daily basis. So much so that when I close my eyes I never really expect to wake up in the morning. I can count my family on my hands now. It makes dying young sound appealing. Because if I grow old there won’t be anyone left to take care of me. I will become one of those forgotten people that end up wasting away in a nursing home.
With all of this said I can only hope that there is a heaven. After all, I have more family there now then I do on Earth.
I wish I had the hands
The hands that could heal all that is broken inside of you
From a distance
I can only watch
Watch as you lose your soul and fade away
How many times can we bow down
Bow down to constraint
Before we begin to forget who we are
What makes our heart beat
And how our dreams used to keep us alive
When you let go I gave up on medicine
I refused to believe that the heart can be mended
But even without you here
I know you’re still sick
Sick of a life that you can never call yours
We weren’t finished
There was still more of you and I
More secrets
More tears
More of everything that no one else could give us
I have forgiven myself this guilt
The burden of not being able to love you
The test of how much I mean to you
I have given up on ever finding you again
I refuse to look
But I will never forgive myself for not being able to fix you
I find it hard to live while broken
Because it was you that put me back together
It was you that helped me define who I am
Forever
Hot: Thank you, Babeland, for the opportunity to review the Jimmyjane Iconic Bullet. You probably know the kind of thing I’m talking about. You know the tiny cordless bullet vibes that have been around forever? If you’ve ever set foot in a sex toy shop, there’s likely a little display of cheap ones up at the [...]
I’ve been getting a lot of emails, so I thought I would explain what was going on with the site…it’s for sale. We’ve gotten a few offers…and I even sent out a some emails to lesbian bloggers giving them first dibs…so if you want to put your hat in the ring - use the contact [...]
HORROR MOVIE REVIEWby Cynthia RodriguezHAPPY HALLOWEEN my fellow Lesbiatopians (and allies & friends of Lesbiatopians)! And HAPPY SAMHAIN to my fellow Wiccan Lesbiatopians! I figure since a lot of Lesbians have a tendency towards paganism beliefs as much as vegetarianism and Doc Martens I thought the spiritual shout-out would be appropriate.To celebrate […]
11/21/09-by Paula Brooks Capitol Hill sources have confirmed to LGR this morning that a planned November hearing by the US Senate Armed Services Committee to consider ending a ban on gays serving openly in the US military is to be postponed indefinitely. “Yes, we don’t know when that is going to happen,” said an aide from Senate [...]
Academic researchers are expressing concerns over a new survey about “don’t ask, don’t tell” that the Military Times has distributed to some of its subscribers. The poll is expected to play a role in upcoming debates over whether to lift the ban on openly gay service, which leaders in Congress have promised in 2010. Researchers are [. […]
After much deliberation, I've decided to move SistersTalk to my own domain. I'm saddened by that decision because tBlog has been my home for 5 ... more from sisterstalk...
