My Little Friends

I finally went to the doctor last Tuesday. Well…. she’s a nurse practitioner, but she cute, so I’m okay with that. She reassured me that the “tumor” in my back is not cancer as it would have shown up on the x-rays they took last year. Would have been nice if they told me that last year. But before she could tell me any of this that stuck me in one of those little square rooms. My new-found claustrophobia kicked in like a crack head south of 8 Mile and my mind went nutso. I was so close to busting out the door when the, lets call her a Durse, came in.

Over the span of 30 minutes I vomited all my issues. It’s so hard to tell someone your crazy when while you’re saying it out loud you know you must sound crazy. She was sweet though. Consoling… She managing to slip the word “fuck” into our back and forth banter which gave me instant respect for her.

So as of now I’m on 2 pills. My white blood cell count was a bit high which freaked me out. I have to go back to get more blood drawn tomorrow for a recheck. I need to lose weight. This was utterly surprising!

Bottom line… I did it. I went and I got it done. One day they will tell me I’m dying, but it’s not today.

Let the summer begin!!!!

Worst night I’ve Ever Had

Last night my mind wouldn’t stop. It’s reached it’s limit. It’s peeked. I’m either sick, dying, or my mind has made myself sick and we’re all dying after all. I laid down in bed and the thoughts were pouring through the darkness of my closed eyelids. Simple thoughts, catastrophic thoughts, endless thoughts. I got up and went on the computer for a while in attempt to calm the beast. It didn’t work. I laid back in bed for five minutes and lurched up in absolute panic. I raced into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. My panic attack in full force I hopped into the shower in hopes that it would sooth me, rid me of a mind the doesn’t allow the view of a physical handicap. Back to bed I attempted to wake Jen. “You’re not dying.” she said and was soon back to sleep. How could I expect her to understand? I can’t.

This morning I woke up and called the doctor. I am dying… or I am not. I am sick…. or I am not. Either way it’s time for some fucking follow up so that I don’t officially and fully lost my damn mind. Although last night I would have been happy to have lost it if only to have acquired some decent sleep.

It’s this Tuesday at 4:30. I’m going to go in there and lay it all out. I may even bring a list. Because living like this, I may as well be dead. A hypochondriac who is terrified of doctors is such a horrible combo and I have been blessed with it.

I will update after the appointment and then again with the results of tests, copays, and will provide updates on my sheer fear.

I Used to be

I used to be a lot of things.

• A writer
• Unafraid
• Single
• A smoker
• Younger

People tell you all through your younger years that you should have fun because one day you blink and BAM!!!!! You’re 34 and an official adult. You have a vision of how it was supposed to be, a promise of what it could be, and there there’s what it has become. All the while I should not be upset about anything as I have a wonderful financee’, a beautiful home, and have had a steady job for the past 12 years. So why then the angst?

I’m not quite sure of that answer. My hunch is that, and forgive me for sounding too Oprah here, but I’m not living my best life. I’ve got huge road blocks that have been in my way for years. I will be the first to admit here that ignoring said road blocks does not make them vanish. Quiet the contrary they only tend to get bigger.

In order to not think myself out of my engagement, lose my home, and my job I am on a quest to take on these road blocks one by one.  Because from where I’m at now I can see it all slip away. I can see myself lose it all and ending up as some hermit living alone and never leaving the house. I am on the cusp of being on a TLC show for fuck sake!

It is time.

Taking a Breath

So then one day you have a moment. A brief moment between the times you think you’re dying and the times your forcing yourself to do something that scares the shit out of you. You sit back on a chair that you called home and you reflect…. and you see. You see that in the past two years you have gotten engaged, you have bought a house, you have struggled with so many aspects of yourself that you never bothered to battle.  You fell in love with someone who is quite the opposite of any and all things you though you needed, but she has shown  you that she is what you needed. Never mind the fight you just had with her about not wanting to go into and ice cream parlor.

You can’t sleep past 8 am. Certain foods make you sick. Your weekends are filled with “around the house” projects. You are living the dream. You are living someone’s dream. It was a dream you swore you’d take no part in. You swore there was more. Perhaps more is the wrong word. You swore there was something else for you. But here you are typing on your new desk top, in your new house, and wondering when the next time will be that you’ll be able to reflect.

 

OCB…..How are you?

A Return

May be in the future

In a Relationship You Say

Why yes. Yes I am. After almost 7 years of doing my own thing I have finally met someone who I don’t mind sharing my bed with. Here’s to hoping this new chapter brings some inspiration to this life and this blog.

Dying Again

Yesterday marked the 2 year anniversary of my Father’s death. It was also the night I chose to tell my Mom about my current symptoms. These include lower back pain, a lump in my lower left back, muscle twitches before sleep, and I swear to God I am losing my hair.

So here we are again, me and the brain clouds. I do believe this is something though. Something more than the usual, which is why I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. The pain in my back is rather serious and I can’t live with this kind of pain. It’s always the pain that gets me to the doctors. Anything else I live with.

So as of this moment I’m pretty sure I’m dying. It’s so wonderful living life thinking your impending doom is right around the corner. This time I just need to put on my big girl panties and get whatever this is taken care of. Auto pilot here I come.

A Day Just like All the Others

Ah, how I would love to share the thoughts in my head. The problem is that I don’t need anyone to call the police and or a mental institution on my ass. Instead I will share how elated I am to have gotten a ton of new toys for my SLR camera. I officially have about 2000 invested in it, which is not that hard to do. I have come to the conclusion that I like taking photos so much because of my bad memory. That may also be why I keep a blog. I can go back to 2006 or two months ago and read the happenings of my day as if it were the first I’ve heard of it. Sad really, but just a precursor of the Big A which will take all the memories away for good one day.

This was the second Christmas without my Dad. I don’t have much to say on the matter. I wonder sometimes why I don’t feel much of anything when it comes to all the people in my life I have lost. Too afraid to mention it to anyone I simply prod on assuming that one day I’ll collapse into a puddle of tears. What I’m even more afraid of, which is most likely closer to the truth, is that I’ll continue to not feel much of anything at all. I make myself sick over it sometimes. Screaming at myself inside and telling myself how selfish it is not to have ever grieved. It seems there isn’t anything I’m passionate about as of late. Death just fits in it’s place next to work, waking up, and the occasional night out.

Driving home from my brother’s last night I played a song. A song that reminds me of a lot of things and people. A song that normally inspires me or at least gets me the slightest of teary eyed. Nada! Nothing more than words sung by a beautiful voice. At this point all I can envy is the breathtaking void that seems to have made it’s way inside of me. And so I push people away, stay strictly in my chosen comfort zone, and dare not answer the phone.

Today is a day just like all the others. Not even going back to therapy amusing me at the moment.

Christmas Spirit

Never being a fan of Christmas I’ve always ridiculed the holiday. Damning the man for the gift buying obligations and the hustle and bustle of running around before and on the holidays. Then came my little niece. She reminded me that Christmas, my hearts version at least, is for children. Watching her open gifts yesterday was the greatest gift ever. Her little fingers doing all they could to tear the wrapping paper away from her gifts was like watching the unwrapping Olympics. Her smile for each and every gift that she opened was priceless. Little does this little two year old know, but she has saved my Christmas spirit. She is and will always be my favorite person in the whole world.

Kids don’t do drugs!

The Marijuana Logues on the Bill Maher Show – watch more funny videos